You have to have a signature something: a little leather backpack, a thrifty cheetah print jacket, a shirt with Marilyn Monroe wearing a Blackhawks jersey. If you’re simply wearing jeans and a plain black t-shirt, don’t panic; it’s okay, I can help you. Stop what you’re doing, and immediately go to the bathroom. Tear a hole into your shirt so your bra is showing. Men– turn your pants inside out and put them back on. Phew, that was a close one. Now you are a little more presentable before your big show.

Pick a song sung by the opposite sex. If you are a bearded man, scream Alanis Morrissette’s “You Oughta Know.” If you are a woman, slip into some James Brown and sing it like it’s made with cool ranch dip. Don’t sing songs that you look like you would sing.

Second thing, whatever you do, DO NOT SING WELL. This just isn’t cool, folks. Plain and simple. You can put your heart and soul into a song, gyrate, play air guitar, and close your eyes, but it can’t have any real talent written on it. People came here to see entertaining, not good. The drunker you are, the louder the cheers. If you’re on key for too long, be prepared for a couple of boos.

The ticket is to master “trying hard without making it look like you’re trying hard.” If all else fails, stick close to your friends. They will love you and cheer you on no matter how boringly halfway decent you are.

If you want (this is for the brave souls): go out with a bang. Pretend to jerk off the microphone in the hipster haters’ faces. Ironically, they will love you after you do this. But always remember… it’s not about them liking you, it’s about fun.

Oh look, you’re up next.

Good luck…err…I mean – whatever, man.