A proper send off

got a message from my brother

it’s meant for more
than one person and it says:

you’re dead to me
you’re all dead to me
you’ve been dead

I let out a weak laugh
because if I hold my
breath I can smell
the formaldehyde

the core of our name
decays, its flesh rots

down to the bones
down to the funny bone
which never made anyone laugh.

it’s my last day,
and no one is here
the lights over my head
flicker off because
even they are timed
and the room reeks of wasted seconds
working to mean something yet
wishing I was somewhere else

my 13 year old self shakes
her head in disapproval
she says I should have left
by now, I should be driving
a hippie van, giving hugs
to all the sad saps still
stuck inside themselves
she used to give a fuck
yet was better at pretending
she wore a suit of armor
rings on every finger
cheap bracelets
up to the elbows
a walking circus

how exhausting
the current me says
every morning as she
pries herself from bed

my dog is curled up
like a heart
outside my chest.
she’s so warm,
and I don’t want
to get up to face
the loveless.

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2 thoughts on “A proper send off

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